From My Heart

January 7, 2003
My worst fear is being alone and not having children. It looks like I have helped bring it to pass. I can’t say I wasn’t warned before I heard the gun go off. Wanting to believe the best in people – always some doubt, but grasping for the good. This is the second birthday that I have spent alone- how does that work? I need to move on and face my worst fear. I don’t want to start over- just to be shot again. I might not wake up next time . . .

March 23, 2003
ALONE, that’s where I am, but now that I am here it doesn’t seem too bad. It still isn’t what I want . . . I’d rather be with someone I love, but things don’t always work the way I think they should. Some people are meant to be alone. Maybe this is how it’s meant for me. You can’t change how things are meant to be- you just have to love and be happy with- right? I hope to God that is WRONG! “It is better to live and have known true love than to never know love at all.” Don’t you end up lonely either way? A love that will stand thru everything that comes to try to tear it apart. That is what I need and long for~

June 23, 2003
I feel like I am losing my mind! I am so sick of being alone! I think I am just going to wake up one morning and my mind will be completely gone. I deserve so much more than I am allowing myself to have. I think the fact that I know I could easily have so much more, makes it even worse. Why do I make things so much harder on myself?


That is the evidence left from a very miserable and lonely person. A person that just wanted to be happy and feel loved. They are exact excerpts from a very short journal I kept in 2003. I am so thankful that the only thing left from that person is memories. They are now my reminder of what Jesus brought me out of.

I was cleaning out a closet when I ran across some memories of what was my life. I had forgot the journal even existed. Not saying I forgot that part of my life or my failures. They are never far from my mind. Satan tries to use them often to pull me down. I know it was God that I ran across this little memento. My battles today lean more towards: “No matter what you do- it just isn’t good enough.” or “You are just never going to measure up.” They now seem to be such huge mountains that I have to conquer. I get so overwhelmed at times trying to be ‘perfect.’ God used my own words to make my mountains look like molehills. I love it when he does that!

Pam sings that song:
I searched for him and I knew not what I searched for
I longed for him and I knew not what I longed for
When I met Jesus, I knew that I would search no more
He filled that longing-down in my soul

You know he does this for us all the time. We don’t know what we need or the exact answers, but He does. We don’t have to search and search. He is our answer!
At that point my entire life was a battle. A battle to for sanity, a feeling of belonging and for real love- all the things I had before I strayed from God. After reading my journal, I spent the rest of the day thanking my God for where he has brought me. I am so glad he didn’t give up on me and that he allowed me another chance. I am so thankful for my new life. I have been washed in the blood of the Lamb. Just a little mind visit to the past that reminded me that I am NOT where I was and I know God isn’t finished with me yet.

There are a lot of things I wish I could go back and change. I know I can’t, but if I could- one of those would be the hurt and worry I caused my family. During my time running from God I missed a lot of valuable time with my family. Time I can never get back. I would go days if not a week at a time without talking to my parents. They would call, along with other family members, and I would avoid even a phone conversation like the plague. I knew I wasn’t living right and I didn’t want to face the shame and hear the disappointment or worry in their voices. I know it had to feel at times that their heart was being torn from their chest. I now sit and feel my heart sink to my toes at the thought of the time I allowed to pass without spending time with my family. While I was running, time wasn’t waiting.

My daddy used to ride past where I was living just to make sure I was ok. And no one has to tell me, but I can picture my mom lying in the bed with her heart aching while she cried out to God for my safety and my soul. It breaks my heart to think of the pain I caused them. Our choices do affect those around us.

Another regret I have is missing Bro Hall’s (Pawpaw Hall’s) services. He was like family to me. I know he loved me too. I never got to see him that one last time or to say good-bye. How I would love to just one more time sit in one of his meetings. To hear him say, “Leap for Joy” or hear him sing ‘This is Why I’m Thankful’ and include his personal testimony of praying in the cabbage patch or ‘Didn’t Rain Children – Didn’t it Rain’ or hear his sermon on the blood . . . I could go on and on. He was a prophet. A man who totally dedicated his entire being to God and in return God used him to touch the lives of so many. You could feel when he walked into the room. God’s anointing was on him constantly it seemed. I can literally picture Jesus sitting in a room with him having a conversation. Just like we read about how God walked with Adam in the cool of the day. It is a reminder that we need to keep striving, keep walking because God longs for that kind of relationship with us too. That is why we were created. God wants to fellowship with us.

He’s still working on me
To make me what I ought to be
It took him just a week to make the moon and the stars
The sun and the Earth and Jupiter and Mars
How loving and patient he must be
He’s still working on me

There really ought to be
A sign upon my heart
Don’t judge me yet there’s some unfinished parts
But I’ll be perfect just according to His plan
Fashioned by the Master’s loving hand.

It is simple song from my childhood that seems to have a brand new meaning to me. When I feel the devil trying to take my thoughts – I sing it to him. I make sure I give special emphasis to the “I’ll be PERFECT just according to HIS plan – fashioned by the Master’s loving hand.”
I am so thankful for a praying family. A family that fears God and that lives their life as a testimony of his goodness. If it had not been for the Lord on my side . . . where would I be?
Psalm 61:5
For thou hast heard my vows: thou hast given me the heritage of those that fear thy name.